Listen Linda, I realize that as military spouses, some have far more experience than others. Some have been through multiple deployments and some have never had to endure a separation from their spouse. There are young spouses that seek guidance and new to military life spouses who are looking for help navigating this world. Sometimes spouses with tons of experience just need a place to vent and shoot the you-know-what. So many turn to military spouse groups and forums on social media. I’ve compiled a list of some of the harmless questions that are sure to garner a response from even the most undercover Petty LaBelle.
1. “Hi everyone, my family has fallen on some very hard times and I need to re-home the family pet. I’m wondering if there are any military families that are looking for a dog?” Ohhh my goodness. Hell hath no fury like asking a group of military spouses this question. Some might come at you with some hard hitting statistics, “I’m appalled. Studies have shown that 99.9% of heifers who sell their beloved dogs are lazy-behind people who hate animals and punch babies in the face for a living. Chances are you also support Hitler.”
2. “Can someone please explain to me what it means to be ‘in the box’? Thanks!” Here we go…“Wow! I can’t believe you’re jeopardizing your husband’s life by violating OPSEC! I’ve personally heard of return dates being changed because of peasants like you with your loose lips and no edges. And no, it wasn’t because dates change all the time & I truly have no idea about how military flights operate, it was because some Snuffaluffagus lookalike asked what the box is.”
3. “I’m having such a hard time with the absence of my husband. Any advice?” This one gets out of hand quick. “Advice? Yeah, put your big girl panties on. I can’t stand a young wife who misses her husband. I look forward to when mine leaves! I enjoy all the free time in the world because I can watch Grey’s Anatomy and Vampire Diaries and I don’t have to shave my back. If you miss your husband, that makes you racist.”
4. “I need to rant a little to my fellow wives. I was changing in the gym and noticed that there was an older boy in the locker room and I felt a little uncomfortable about it. Is there a family changing room?” Girl, yes. I feel you and I completely sympathize. Don’t tell a group of military spouses though. “What did you just say?! How dare you disrespect my cupcake in such a manner? You pretty much just said that my kid is ugly as hell and I should keep his cross-eyed self out of the women’s locker room. I’ll do no such thing, if you don’t like it then you can stay fat.”
5. “Can anyone recommend an affordable photographer?” Seems like a normal question right? Shoot, I wanna know too! Be careful though. “Oh, affordable huh? So basically you’re asking me to leave my kids and fur babies in the car with the windows rolled up on a 100 degree day to take pictures of your big headed kids and raggedy husband for free? The nerve of some of these wives on here who don’t understand that photography is an art and I am an agent in delivering to the world a work of utter genius. Try Sears, you garden gnome.”
I know we won’t all agree, but come on, mayne! We can do better.